Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

Another self-discovery I have made since beginning this Crossfit journey is my incredible denial of the physical shape my 40 something body has declined to over the past few years.

I moved to Austin still in my 30's at the height of my physical fitness. I had been working out with an incredible trainer, running about 35 miles a week and practicing yoga. Needless to say, I looked FANTASTIC!!! I worked as a yoga instructor full time, was constantly active, slept 8+ hours a night, and ate a really clean diet. I was at the top of my physical game in my early-mid 30's.

The lure of a better salary and my desire to enjoy the things in life that a yoga teacher's pay can not buy found me in a "real" job, an 8-5'er with mandatory happy hours, lunch and dinner meetings, more time sitting and less time to move my body. Physically things fell apart slowly. I continued to run and do yoga but my gym time went by the wayside. I didn't own a scale but knew the lbs were slowly creeping up by the way my clothes felt. I would try to eat better, which meant calorie restriction and up my miles on the trail. Soon my constricting clothes would loosen up and so would my discipline. In the winter I let the pounds pack on and panicked by the spring knowing if I had to wear a one piece that year that I had become that middle aged woman I knew I would NEVER be.

My mother is a young mother, only 18 years my senior so I have watched her move through the many stages of womanhood and the aging process. My mother is a beautiful woman who stands 5'1" and was blessed with the ability to eat whatever she wanted and maintain a petite body until she hit her 40's. Unlike myself, she never had to obsess over what she ate and exercise relentlessly. She was always the last one to leave the table because she ate more than anyone in the family. I think the first time she ever broke a sweat besides giving birth was when she bought the Jane Fonda workout video around 1982. As mother has aged, she has shared each step of the way, the good, the bad and the ugly! My reaction to the bad and ugly was always "that'll never happen to me!". When the weight began to creep up on her I chalked it up to the fact that she did not know how to diet or exercise properly/enough. She complained about how her body was changing and that it just seemed to get harder and harder to maintain control. I turned up my nose and thought that will never be me because I know how to exercise and to eat(diet/starve my body into submission).

About 3 year ago, I started to lose control of my body. It became more and more difficult to continue the cycle I had always depended on to stay "in shape". It took more severe calorie restriction and way more running than ever. I became exhausted by the process and decided it was time to throw in the towel. I believed that I was slowly but surely becoming that 1-piece wearin' middle age woman I had swore I never would be. I slowed down on the running and made my primary fitness practice yoga. I got lax in my diet, began to enjoy too much red wine and cheese telling myself that I needed to accept this as my reality. If I could not maintain the body I once had, I would just enjoy good food and wine not worry so much about the size clothes I wore or the numbers on the scale after all, I looked pretty good to be my age. Right? WRONG!!!

Deep down inside I knew I was wrong but I was scared and just did not know what to do. Mr. X, my genetically blessed, athletic boyfriend kept encouraging me to lift some weight. I defended myself and explained that running and yoga were enough and he just did not understand an aging woman's body. But with most things, he knew something I didn't. He is a smart man and knew me well enough to know that I was really miserable and living in denial. I still really wanted to look good in a bikini and to be strong and fast again but I just didn't know how to make that happen with this new body I found myself in. So reluctantly, I started to work out with weights and machines and it was as boring and monotonous as I had remembered but I kept it up. Working each muscle group to what I thought was fatigue but not changing my diet of wine and cheese with dinner every night, nothing in my body changed. Clothes fit the same, scale continued to climb in numbers and I just became more discouraged but I kept up the routine, trudging on. Secretly I became increasingly more sad and depressed.

A yoga student of mine started talking to me about Crossfit. Then I met a friend I had not seen in a while for lunch and I was amazed at how ripped he was. He told me that he was doing this Crossfit thing and felt like he was in the best shape of his life. I became curious and went to the Crossfit Central website. My primary interest being results, I went straight to the success stories and was amazed at what I saw and read. I was attracted first by the promise of the physical results but I began to see this common thread in all the stories of empowerment beyond the physical being and I liked the idea of that! I also liked the fact that there were no machines, and that workouts were varied, never the same dull, boring workout 2 sessions in a row.

Since my sister who is 3 years younger had been struggling with the same body crisis as me, I enthusiastically introduced her to CF during this past Thanksgiving. We made a pact to start the aging body fight together and to join CF. I was so pumped to have a buddy and even more pumped that she was able to join before me so she would be the guinea pig! She started a couple of weeks later and I made plans to start in January. Work and holiday travel would have me away from home so I decided the new year was the best time to start.

After my sister's first WOD she called to report. She said it was the hardest thing she had ever done in her life and she has given birth! She saw stars, felt like she was going to puke and/or pass out. She said she had no feeling in her arms or legs but she couldn't wait to do it again! I was so excited to hear the details and so proud of her but secretly wrote off the seeing stars, puking and passing out to her having never been athletic or really working out in her life and thought smugly, "that won't happen to me, I'm in much better shape than she is".

I was wrong, terribly wrong! I attended my first Crossfit class on January 8,2010, saw stars, felt like I was gonna puke and/or pass out and lost all feeling in my arms and legs. OMG that was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life!! As I drove home, my whole body trembled and I felt like a limp noodle. The sad part is that this was an Elements class, a beginner's intro to CF and I really sucked!! It was like I had never run a mile much less walked one or lifted anything other than a glass of wine or piece of cheese to shove into my mouth! Dear Lord I thought I was going to die! That day every square inch of my body hurt. Wise Mr. X reminded me that the 2nd day post workout would be even worse and I thought to myself "no way" because I knew that would be the day I was to be tortured again. As with most things, he was right and I walked into my next CF class with legs and arms stiff as the Tinman from the Wizard of OZ. I took my beating like a WOman and each scheduled class went back for more.

As a part of your introduction to CF, your Element's coach discusses diet and nutrition with you. CF nutrition is a Paleo/Zone diet. This means eating no grains, dairy, processed sugar or legumes just a diet of meat, vegetables, fruits, nuts and seeds eaten in the parameters of the Zone diet. I politely told my coach, Crystal Nelson that I was a vegetarian of many, many years with no plan to change my way of eating. She was cool with that and simply explained that true success could not be achieved by workout alone and that diet was extremely important. I told her I would consider the information she provided but inside my head I was saying to myself, "no way will I ever eat meat, not me, never!".

After graduating from Elements, I decided I wasn't quite ready for a "real" class so I signed up for the "On-Ramp" program. This is a scaled version of CF WOD's designed to prepare you for the real ass kickin' you take in a full scale WOD. Coach Crystal Nelson was an angel. She was patient and encouraging and my desire to have a killer/strong body like hers kept me coming back class after class. At the end of the month long session I decided that I was still not comfortable leaving the nest so I stayed one more month just to be sure I was prepared for what I had witnessed watching classes simultaneous to mine. Watching their incredibly tough workouts I thought I will never be able to do that. The end of month 2 things seemed much easier than Day 1 of Elements class and I thought I am ready to join the "Big Girls" now so I signed up for the Women's Only class coached by Crystal McReynolds.

I had been following all of the CF coaches through their blogs and stalking them on the web. I knew that Crystal McReynolds had been named one of Austin's 10 Fittest people and had the body I dreamed of having so I was psyched to be able to join her class but at the same time intimidated. I had watched her coach while waiting for my classes to start over the previous 2 months. The day that I was introduced to her as my new teacher she was wearing a pair of pistol shaped earrings for heaven's sakes so naturally I felt really intimidated but at the same time extremely excited. I thought I was ready to take on whatever she could dish out!

Wrong again! No way was I ready! First WOD with Crystal Mc was Fight Gone Bad: 2 Rounds of 5 minutes of Wall Balls, Sumo Deadlift High Pulls, Box Jumps, Push Press, Rowing for calories with a one minute rest in between rounds. I was not prepared for this, no way, no how! But 2 days later I was there again, takin' the beatin' but keepin' on tickin'. I was so inspired and impressed by all the ladies in my class and how hard they worked. Their enthusiasm was contagious and the encouragement never ending.

About 2 weeks in my confidence began to soar and I decided that I should add an extra run into my weekly schedule. Mr. X warned me not to but did I listen? Of course not! Again, he was correct. I ended up with painful swollen knees and made a trip to the Dr. The good news was, no permanent damage. The only thing wrong was overuse of my knees from starting a new activity and not enough recovery time. My doctor recommended that I back off of my extra run, give my body time to recover and to adapt to this intense new workout I was doing. I complained to him that I was desperate to regain control of my body and he pointed to his reading glasses and said "it's a part of aging". He went on to explain that we don't have to give up on being strong, fit, fast or looking great, we just have to go about it differently as we age. Gone are the days of exercising to eat, our bodies can no longer take the abuse of extra intense workouts to make up for binges. We have to learn to eat and exercise more efficiently. DING! DING! DING! The bell went off in my head and my mind traveled back to that nutrition meeting with Crystal Nelson. I explained the Paleo/Zone diet to my doc and he agreed it made sense.

I was wrong again and as usual, had been in denial. My philosophy on working out and eating had just been debunked. My body is aging but I don't have to give up and accept that process as my only reality. I just have to change course and work smarter not harder. I left that appointment feeling 10 years younger and in control of my body again. I realized that living in the past was making me old, moving forward and trying something new was the key to remaining fit and even becoming better as the years roll forward.

On March 15th, I was forced to no longer live in the denial that "I look good for my age" when CMc did my body comp. At 150 lbs and 28% body fat, reality sunk in, my diet had to change. That day I started the Paleo/Zone diet. 40 days into "real" Crossfit classes and 25 days of Paleo/Zone later and I am 5 lbs lighter! Shedding a few pounds I am beginning to see the muscle my workouts have been developing but had been hiding behind the extra fat and water my body was holding onto thanks to my mostly carb based diet.

I still struggle with my workouts and feel pukey during my WOD's somedays but I am definitely stronger than when I started. To top it off, I feel stronger in my runs and my yoga practice. I have more energy and my mood has improved. I push when appropriate and rest when I need to and feel so much better overall.

So for now, at least as far as this aging process is concerned, Denial is just a river in Egypt and I have set course for better waters!